If you took the look of Maxim magazine, the sound of a devoutly Mormon Quentin Tarantino and the soul of an empty plastic bottle of Sprite, threw them all into a tin pot and then blasted the pot with a WWII flamethrower, the melted-together mess would be something like Bitch Slap. This thing is like a B movie/exploitation flick made by people who've never actually seen a B movie/exploitation flick. It's about nothing but sex, violence and bad language where the sex is tamer than a 6 week old kitten, the violence is about as exciting as watching an episode of Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers and the bad language goes to such absurd lengths of euphemism that it leaves you longing for the bluntness of porn dialog.

There are twin plot lines in this disaster. One concerns Trixie, Hel and Camero (Julia Voth, Erin Cummings and America Olivo), three tarted-up bad girls who drive into the dessert looking for the treasure of Gage (Michael Hurst), the guy wearing a thong they've got stashed in the trunk of their car. The other is a series of flashbacks that move backward in time, like that episode of Seinfeld, detailing the who, what and why of the first storyline. That dual approach gets really old, really fast but there are so many other things wrong with Bitch Slap that it doesn't even make the Top 10 list of how this film sucks.

That list would be as follows…

1. There is only one pair of naked breasts in this entire film and they don't belong to any of the starring actresses.

2. There is only one so-called sex scene in the entire film and both participants remain fully clothed the entire time.

3. Michael Hurst is, far and away, the best thing in the entire production. I like the guy and all that…but come on!

4. The flashbacks look like Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow, if that movie's budget had been $67.50.

5. The filmmakers rip off The Usual Suspects, though they don't even deserve to say the name "Keyser Soze".

6. The entire production thinks it's waaaay funnier than it really is.

7. The fight scenes look like a cross between pro wrestling and the fight scenes on the original Star Trek.

8. Lucy Lawless and Renee O'Connor show up for one scene and DON'T make out.

9. Kevin Sorbo shows up and looks like he got paid for this movie in Prozac.

10. The same two characters fight the same climactic battle twice.

The most pitiful thing about Bitch Slap is that the whole thing is constantly straining to be over the top and outrageous, yet only manages to wander in the general vicinity of that on two occasions. Once with a razor-tipped yo-yo and once when a woman gets bitten in the crotch. Other than that, this film is never more over-the-top or controversial than an episode of Blossom.

Bitch Slap was made by some guys who worked on Hercules: The Legendary Journeys and Xena: Warrior Princess. They apparently set out to create some R-rated trashy, campy fun. What they ended up making was a PG-13 version of those same TV shows.