This is not about the one with the silver balls, yet I remain obsessed about the idea that when people are ******* the Lady In Lavender in Phantasm, they're ******* the Tall Man.

No, this is the adult movie from Down Under directed by the man that would one day make Psycho II, Richard Franklin. He used the name Richard Bruce, but it's the same talented man who made Roadgames and Cloak and Dagger.

German sexologist Professor Jürgen Notafreud (John Bluthal) is here to explain to us how the female sexual mind works. To do so, we're going to watch an anthology film of sexual hijinks, kind of like an Amicus movie but you know, with *******.

There are many tales here, like the woman who is being pampered in a "Beauty Parlour," a husband (William Margold) and wife (Maria Arnold, who is in the best titled of all Harry Novak's movies, Wam Bam Thank You Spaceman) playing a "Card Game" where she takes on as many of his friends (Kirby Hall and Robert Savage) as she can (and then Wendy Cavanaugh and Helen O'Connell also come over), "Wearing The Pants" has a housewife (Gretchen Gayle, My Body Hungers) do some forced feminization and sodomy on a man (Con Covert) who steals her clothing and "Nightmare Alley," which has Rene Bond being assaulted by Al Williams until she likes it.

Umm...it was 1976? No, I can't defend it.

At least this recovers with "The Girls," as Uschi Digard - listed as Super Girl, as if she was coming in from a Russ Meyer movie - and Mara Lutra engaging in some sapphic screentime. Then, the film's most famous moment has John Holmes rise from the water nude - yes, it's still intimidating - and eat "Fruit Salad" off of Maria Welton.

Fantasm seems to be about displaying taboos, like how Candy Samples lusts for her son (Gene Poe) in "Mother's Darling" and a black exotic dancer (Shayne) performs for Richard Partlow, Paul Wyman and Sam Wyman. Or "After School," where young Roxanne Brewer (Sexual Kung Fu in Hong Kong and Dr. Dildo's Secret; spoiler warning; the doctor is a dildo) dances for her teacher (Al Ward) until he has a heart attack. Guess that test is cancelled tomorrow.

Finally, in the scene that you knew I'd like most, a "Blood Orgy" finds Serena get sacrificed by a Satanic cult, but not before making love to their priest (Clement von Franckenstein, whose father Sir George Franckenstein was the Austrian Ambassador to the Court of St. James).

It's like Faces of Death but, you know, about boinking.

Also: John Holmes' name is Neptune and at one point, it seems like his underwater lover is using his massive membrum virile as a snorkel.

I would assume that Brockton O'Toole got his inspiration from this movie. And if you got that, you definitely walked through some video store curtains.

this is a pretty good soft-core sex comedy, with some pretty hot women (and a few not so hot). the 'professor' guy is pretty goofy and induces a few chuckles, and some scenes are genuinely funny. the emphasis is on sex, but the director seems to be of an indecisive mind (unless something's missing from the current DVD version of the film): some scenes are so tame, they're hardly R material, while some are more intense, including one with John Holmes that crosses over into hardcore X territory (but fleetingly, and it's all underwater)!

there's a lot more explicit nudity and sexual heat in the film than most of the current or recent soft-core films, and most of the women are naturally beautiful. on the minus side, the technical aspects are a bit shoddy, and the whole thing is (intentionally) lame-brained. but it's definitely worth checking out if you like this sort of stuff.