Greetings And Salutations, and welcome to my review of Runaway Nightmare; here's the breakdown of my ratings:

Story: 0.25 Direction: 1.25 Pace: 0.25 Acting: 0.50 Enjoyment: 0.50

TOTAL: 2.75 out of 10.00

Runaway Nightmare is precisely that. A nightmare that just won't stop. The writer, director, and star of this excruciatingly tedious shambles, Mike Cartel, is actually the best thing about the project. Evidently, Cartel knew what he was after; it's a shame he didn't dispense that information to the others.

The story has two Nevada Desert Worm Farmers espying a couple of dubious characters burying a wooden container in the desert. When their curiosity gets the better of them, they dig up the box and discover a naked lady inside - A still breathing, beautiful blonde lady. No sooner have the reluctant heroes taken her home than her compatriots arrive, locked and loaded, to take her back. However, since the two men have seen them, the women decide Ralph and Jason must return too and await Hesperia's decision on their futures. The lads begin deducing that the female of the species is crazier than the male as they drive to the lady's lair. What will happen to our dauntless duo? Will they escape, or will Heperia's sentence be fatal? Sounds good so far, doesn't it(?) And because I'd read the synopsis, I gave it a try. I will now tell you the story fails in many ways. For a start, the characters are ridiculous and lacking in personality. In most cases, they're less than one-dimensional. They're there; they walk and talk. However, you never connect or relate to them. Only Ralph appears to have a smidgeon more presence, but maybe that's because Cartel wrote him and Cartel played him. Talk about giving yourself the best parts and lines. Then there's the comedic element. You can see Cartel was attempting, but once again, most of the humour is pitiful, except for the lines Cartel gets, and then these are merely mildly funny, at their best. Next comes the thrills and spills of the action and espionage - well, no. Because of the horrendous characterisations, these segments appear lacklustre, dull and drawn out.

And they only get worse when Cartel plants his backside in the director's chair. The chief obstacle to the picture was the near non-existent timing. The tempo was so wearisome that it felt like all the comedy components had taken a nap, and the action sequences had gone into extra slo-mo. The monotonous pace made everything uninteresting. That was a shame as Cartel has a decent eye for composition, and there are some beautifully captured scenes and images - even the warehouse in the desert looks good. Sadly, a one-trick pony hardly ever wins the race, and most fail to place.

As for the cast - one word, three syllables - Hor-ren-dous. Even the ubiquitous Cartel adds to their awfulness. I would like to describe their performances as wooden. However, I have a two-by-four out in the shed that has given better performances - you should see his rendition of Withnail and I. And, I fully believe some of them were on day release from the local nut-house. Only Cartel and Seeska Vandenberg elevate themselves above the tree line, but it's never for too long. They quickly plummet back into the forest of atrocious acting.

This recommendation is easy - stay the hell away from Runaway Nightmare - Everyone - Yes! That means you too. I watched this film so you didn't have to.

Finally, the squirming worms have turned. That should give you enough time to check out my IMDb lists - Absolute Horror, The Game Is Afoot, and Just For Laughs to see where Runaway Nightmare crashed into my rankings - and to find a better worm with which to bait your hook.

Take Care & Stay Well.