So, Gabe Bartalos decided to make a surreal art film. That might be an insult toward art films, and I hate them.

What you've got is 98 full minutes of complete and utter nonsense. The plot goes like this: Bernard wants to be a composer, and he carries around a rotting, severed Saint Bernard head in a sack. The End. Your welcome.

I bought this solely based on how much I dug his previous (and only other) film, Skinned Deep. I really enjoyed it's wild, balls-to-wall, retro-exploitation vibe, and was hoping for something at least in the same vein. Boy was I wrong! Saint Bernard is filled with puzzlement, infuriation, and maybe worst of all, boredom. I couldn't wait for it to be over with.

EDIT 03/15/22: This Blu-ray has a spectacular making of extra on it. I've bumped up my score a little, as it gave me a new appreciation of what they were able to accomplish. I will revisit this movie in the future. There is an incredible story on here about guerilla filmmaking that is insightful, clever, and absolutely hilarious. At one point, Gabe is talking about the detail of the props, and says it is used to "propel the narrative forward." One thing Saint Bernard does NOT have, is a narrative.

If you're one of those people who came to realise they've seen all the "weird" movies and feel a bit disheartened about how few of those are there (especially any good ones), then getting your hands on this film will feel like finding stash of gold in your backyard. Even if I were to give away most of the moments in this film, it's still impossible to realistically spoil it. It is done in spirit of "Begotten" but without brutality and deceptive references to the occult.