Secrets in Suburbia (TV Movie 2017) 4.6 out of 10 stars Time to Read: 1:50

*WARNING: ANIMAL DEATH AS PLOT DEVICE, TWO SUICIDES SHOWN IN GRAPHIC DETAIL (SEE CLOSING NOTES)

BASIC PLOT:

Gloria (Brianna Brown) is not a woman to be trifled with, as her husband Phil (Joe Williamson), and her three "best friends", Scarlet, Monica and Kim, will soon come to understand. Kim (Linn Bjornland) and Scarlet (Tara Conner) have both been sleeping with Phil, and Monica (Onira Tares) has been conspiring with him to steal Gloria's money. But you know what they say ....hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

WHAT WORKS:

*GORGEOUS, QUALITY FILM MAKING It's a beautifully shot movie by Damián Romay (director) and Juan Hernández (cinematographer). You just don't see these kind of quality visuals anymore, and it's a pleasure to watch.

*THE FORESHADOWING IS J-U-S-T RIGHT The foreshadowing about who Phil (Joe Williamson) is having the affair with is NOT telegraphed, which is a welcome change from most made-for-tv movies.

*GOOD TRAILER, GOOD COVER ART

WHAT DOESN'T WORK:

*NARCISSISTIC SOCIOPATHS DON'T KILL THEMSELVES If the intimation is, Scarlet (Tara Conner) kills herself because her oxys are gone, give me a break! People with that kind of money would call up a concierge doctor, and get well. Or they'd check themselves into the finest private rehab money can buy, but they DON'T KILL THEMSELVES!

*IT'S A BIT SLOW The pacing is a little bit off, it feels a little slow at times.

*HURTING/KILLING ANIMALS SHOULD NEVER BE USED AS A PLOT DEVICE - full stop. A dog is killed as a plot device, be warned.

*MOST WOMEN KNOW WHAT IT MEANS WHEN THEIR HUSBAND TURNS DOWN SEX It means an affair, and women know it. Gloria (Brianna Brown) would know it too.

*ANTIFREEZE POISONING SHOWS UP IN AN AUTOPSY Ethylene glycol causes acidosis, optic nerve damage, nervous system depression, damage to the kidneys, resulting in stones and crystals, and finally shutting down renal activity altogether. Anyone young, without an obvious cause of death, would have an autopsy. The coroner would find the above markers, which would lead to chemical testing. In other words, YOU WOULD GET CAUGHT!

*WHY DOES PHIL NEED TO KILL GLORIA IF HE'S FOUND A WAY TO EMBEZZLE HER MONEY? If Phil (Joe Williamson) and Monica (Onira Tares) have found a way to embezzle Gloria's money, why do they need to kill her? Also, it's a bit problematic they don't resolve Gloria getting her money back.

*NEITHER PHIL, NOR MONICA HAVE ACCESS TO GLORIA'S ACCOUNTS and that means, they wouldn't be able to embezzle, especially ten million. Banks keep track of large transactions, and they would have alerted Gloria to suspicious activity.

TO RECOMMEND, OR NOT TO RECOMMEND, THAT IS THE QUESTION:

*This is a fairly decent made-for-tv movie. It is beautifully shot, with lots of great visuals. The pacing is a bit slow, and there are quite a few plot holes, but overall, it's a decent time waster.

CLOSING NOTES:

*I don't believe in trigger warnings, but as someone who has had many suicides in my life, I think it is appropriate to warn others, if they are depicted in movies or TV shows. Some visuals can set you off, and this movie has two graphic suicides, and an unneeded animal death (as a plot device). The animal death is unnecessary, and should have been eliminated. If these things are a trigger for you, please skip this movie. And as always, if you need help: 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish.

*This is a made-for-tv movie, please keep that in mind before you watch\rate it. TV movies have a much lower budget, and so your expectations should be adjusted.

*I have no connection to the film, or production in ANY way. This review was NOT written in ANY way by a bot. I am just an honest viewer, who wishes for more straight forward reviews, and better entertainment. Hope I helped you out.

From the opening scene to the tragic conclusion this film plays with movie making conventions. There is no subtle exposition. The crew must have had fun coming up with a steady flow of tongue in cheek parodies.

When a possible perpetrator leaves a small bottle marked with a skull and crossbones on the kitchen counter you know this ain't Hitchcock.

When the family dog is found dead in the outdoor trash bin, little pink tongue hanging out, it's hard to contain laughter. And what does the aforementioned perp do? Why, he rushes the pup to the nearest crematorium. How else do normal people dispose of their beloved Fido's?

There is no doubt the filmmakers are fans of Ed Wood and early John Waters. Instead of labeling the movie "mystery thriller" it should have been "dark campy comedy". Or not?

There's just no way the people involved in this could have ever thought this was gonna fly for real. They 100% had to know that this was a joke movie that drunk women would turn on and just let run while they zoned out watching it lost in their own real housewives of lala-stupidity-land.

The plot is sub-par but hey...any lifetime movie usually is. The acting is so atrocious I'm surprised real names were used in the credits. But the writing? Oh my god...what 12 yr old was brought in to write this garbage?

She showed up at the door soaked in blood with actual handprints of blood on her dress to shock people. And they LET her happily go take a shower, change her clothes, then BURN her blood soaked clothes while they debated whether or not they should call the police??? These are the worst writers and actors to EVER be involved in one show. They ALL showed up for this piece of trash.

I fast-forwarded to the end just out of curiosity, the kind that makes you pull over to see dismembered bodies strewn about from a massive car crash along the highway or a plane crash or something. I just couldn't help myself or stop myself from looking.

This garbage would be great for a game...drink a shot everytime they speak. That's it. Just that. You're gonna wanta be that blitzed by the end.