Watching this movie gave me the feeling that I had suddenly gone insane for 90 minutes. Now I can say that some parts were merely awful while others were pretentious crap. The only things going for this movie are the presences of Tilda Swinton even though she doesn't speak, and the two leading men who were at least cute. But those points are not nearly enough to rescue "The Garden" from itself. Be warned.

I promised my mom a good movie. she trusted me because I know much about movies. I told her 'it's a movie about the Bible, about gay men, about AIDS, about paparazzi, ...' and she said 'ow that must be a good movie'. she we went to the film museum of Brussels and we watched The Garden. how disappointed we were. how boring it was! what was Derek Jarman thinking?! I wanted to go away, but my Mom said 'no, we've paid for the tickets, so we'll sit it through'. what a mistake that decision turned out to be! now we have both more than 3600 seconds less to live. it wasn't the theme of the movie. I adore experimental movies. I'm one of those idiots that love to see the full 8 hours of Andy Warhol's Empire. but this? no, I will never ever watch a Jarman picture again. I hope you'll never do that too. because it doesn't matter who you are, where you are or what you do. this movie proves only one thing: there are still some crazy people alive that pay money for something like this. it's BEEPing boring! I saw at least one other viewer leave the museum. I saw the others getting frickin' nervous. I saw my mom staring at her watch. and how did I see this?? because the movie was BEEP! I would rather BEEP myself than watching this torment another time. how is it possible producers wanted to invest in such BEEP? it's like BEEPing BEEP! also, the rules of death are not allowed in this one, because just when you think the torture of watching it is over, another 30 sadistic minutes await you. okay, so I wrote down what I think about this movie. but you know what's really BEEPing my brains? I saw a Jarman film already! yes!!! it's true! I'm ashamed, but it's true! and I knew all Jarman films were alike. I knew it! so how the BEEP did I ever think I would do my mom a favor by taking her to The Garden? anyway, don't worry if you do like The Garden. that is possible, because I guess there really are people who'd love to stare 20 minutes at different shots from the same sky, or watching 15 minutes full of pictures of grass in different colors. and if you like it, hey man, that's cool. but it doesn't change my mind at all. I think this movie is a waste of your time.