What was I expecting? It was a pointless remake of a classic British film starring Nicholas Cage and re set in the States.

The first question I find myself asking is why did I watch this? Curiosity I think.

It really is quite simply terrible. Nicholas Cage when given free reign is a destructive influence to a film. Here he out loons even himself in one of the strangest performances I have ever seen.

Even writing about this film hurts. It's so utterly bad, I started doing the ironing to distract me. On a Sunday night.

The Original film is slowburn with a quirky offbeat kinda feel.

With a remake, all of the unknown plot points and twists from the first film would be apparent to the audience, so surely the impact would need to be replaced and the tension built through another means?

Wells sadly in this film having Nic Cage run around punching women in the face whilst dressed as a bear is about as tense as it gets.

Yes, that's right - he punches women whilst dressed as a bear.

Dear me.

Avoid.

The Wicker Man is a horror movie by virtue of the fact that it occasionally jumps out at you, is dark, and wants to disturb you with its strange imagery. Horror movies are not always scary, but mostly because audiences have become desensitized to the tricks and traps of filmmakers over the years trying to give us the willies. That said, The Wicker Man is one of the most unintentionally hilarious movies of the year and well worth your time, if only to be mocked.

Officer Edward Malus (Nicolas Cage) finds himself in the middle of a drug-addled bender after failing to save an atypically creepy horror movie child from an exploding car. He grieves and pops pills, probably because he wasn't harmed in the blast, despite having his head in the car window. Then, he receives a letter from his ex-girlfriend, Willow (Kate Beahan). It seems Willow is living on a private island now and her child is missing, possibly secreted away by the very people she is living with! As an audience, we already know that the daughter belongs to Cage, since such a thing would be far more dramatic and give him ample reason to turn Summerisle upside down. But Edward Malus does not realize this. Perhaps he is too busy being distracted by the Neo-Pagan Amish community that lives on the island, where men are kept submissive by the powerful female Sisters that run the place. Or it could be he is preoccupied by all of the bee hives around the island, since the Sisters of Summerisle deem it to be their most important crop. Are we surprised that Malus has an allergy to bees? It never really is explained how the people of Summerisle sustain themselves on just honey.

Whatever the reason, Malus bumbles around the island, growing increasingly more and more horrified by the events transpiring around him. A feminist bitch teaching an English class about the atrocities of men? Clearly this island is the bastion of Satan himself. Ah, but we find a clue here. Despite the fact that all of the residents of the island insist that there is no girl, there is a single unoccupied desk in the middle of class. Cage then opens the desk, only to be startled by a crow and screams "What?!" At that point, we are thinking along the same lines.

But hold on: these are the best parts of the film. Up until now, the plot hasn't started to collapse in on itself, though we can see the stress fractures running along the edges. Malus spots a girl in the distance after popping some more pills in the middle of the night and gives chase into a nearby barn, where he barely escapes death and completely fails to thrill us. Undaunted, he continues to be lied to by everyone on the island, including his ex-girlfriend, who seems to watch everything transpire like a deer in the headlights. We know she is up to no good, though she could at least pretend to care.

Finally, we have some revelations. It seems young, misplaced Rowan was born during a harvest year when the crops failed. Dear god, they are going to sacrifice her to save their honey! Based on this hunch, Malus then punches out an Innkeeper, karate chops Leelee Sobieski into submission, ducks into a bear costume, and sneaks into the ceremony to save the little girl that may or may not be the subject of a sacrifice. But then, we stopped taking The Wicker Man seriously a long time ago. Perhaps it would be easier to take the movie as seriously as it does if Nicolas Cage wasn't flailing around like a drunk in half of his scenes. Or maybe the movie is just bad by default.

I wouldn't dream of giving the ending away, but it is far less effective than that of the original movie, which I decided to watch after seeing this. It almost feels as though this version of The Wicker Man was pulled together through vague recollections of the original after a long night of alcohol abuse. It's not necessarily a bad thing to try out new stuff with old material, but the minute your hero comes to the rescue dressed as a bear, you should know something has gone horribly awry.