WARNING: REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS

Viva Knievel! Who could resist a title like that? And who could resist the cheesy Shaft-U-Like funky 70s theme? Especially when that theme is played during the film on what sounds like a paper and comb or a kazoo? Yet expecting a "so bad it's good" experience can only lead to disappointment here

To be honest I'd quite forgotten what Evel looked like, if in fact I'd seen his face at all. I'd imagined he looked like his English rival Eddie Kidd, all black-haired, butch and youthful. As it turns out, Knievel looks like a cross between Garry Shandling, 70's Elvis and my Uncle Derrick. Okay, that last example doesn't have that wide a frame of reference, but it's true nonetheless. And in case the first two make you think this is a dark-haired raven, then Knievel's hair not only recedes, but is also grey, just like ... well, my Uncle Derrick's. How tasty Lauren Hutton is supposed to find a man attractive when he looks old enough to be her father is beyond me. The reality is that Knievel was no more than five years her senior, and hadn't reached forty, though the silver chest hair sprouting from his shirt gives a different impression. Maybe he had a picture of Dorian Grey that worked in reverse. And when the climax inevitably involves Knievel putting his cycle skills to work against crooks, and tackling them in unarmed combat, you think this is less a rugged action hero, more a rather silly old man.

Strangely, Knievel's character is written as an ego-bloated, self-congratulating bore. Or maybe he's supposed to be charismatic, and it's just Evel's performance that has the charm of a rotting carcass. "Honey, I've known what to write to pretty girls like you since I was in Kindergarten" he says in one of his many chauvinist moments. While his ability to give a whiter-than-white sermon every two seconds is annoying in the extreme. Evel spends most of his time around garages and motor displays, which is handy as he carries a permanent spare tyre around his waist. When told by a Doctor that his hospital only accepts American patients, he replies: "Boy, you sound too good to be true." Is this a xenophobic Knievel or him mocking the Doctor? God knows, as his robotic delivery makes it impossible to tell. Even the illegitimate love child of Chris Rea and Keanu Reeves couldn't produce such a wooden performance.

The "plot" involves drug dealers trying to kill Knievel (Not that anyone could tell if he was dead or not) and use his funeral procession to ship drugs. The use of drugs, and Knievel's reaction to them, is as adult and sophisticated as that in Moonwalker... except worse. It's this forcibly wholesome, mom's apple pie, Stars and Stripes attitude to the whole venture that really makes things unbearable. Viva never becomes fully enjoyable for it's awfulness as it's all done so straight. There is no trace of irony or self-depreciation in the script, and with the atrocious dialogue that should have been a necessity. Favourite bad lines include: "That kid was your number one fan, why, he'd take on the Supreme Court for you"; "What is this, judgement day?"; "You're chicken, huh?"; "You're supposed to be the head honcho of this hacienda" and "You're the reason I'm walking, Evel! You're the reason!" Most of these can only be appreciated in context, where their sheer absurdity or ham-fisted delivery makes them killingly funny. Just for example, the last line is a crippled child who throws away his crutches upon meeting Evel.

For acting, Leslie Neilson playing it straight is far funnier than Leslie trying to be comical. Only Gene Kelly produces anything approaching a competent performance, though all have their presence sapped by the lifeless direction. For this one's IMDb "goofs" entry, the goof should have read: the film being made in the first place. Ultimately, Viva comes across as a TV movie, or one of those kitsch action shows of the eighties. Sort of like The Fall Guy, but with your overweight dad playing the part of Lee Majors. Neilson's car crash is hilarious, but generally this isn't so bad it's good... it's just bad, plain and simple. Avoid.