There two types of bad film.... a)a film so bad you turn it off immediately or b)bad films starring hulk hogan that you have to watch to amuse yourself. Hulk plays Dave Dragon, some old guy who is not very hard and not very funny - and basically the bottom line of the film is some female terrorist tries to take over a theme park. They fail, thanks to some geeky kids who apparently know martial arts. The most annoying thing though is how easily grown adults get beaten up by pesky little kids. This film is so bad, but, fair play, I watched most of it so it achieved something in that sense. Enjoyable if you like ripping it out of bad actors and rubbish plots.

Old sea maps used to leave a warning on the outer edges of the charts. It would read: "Here be monsters." I wish such a message had been written before the opening credits. Oh, actually it was, but it was in code that I deciphered too late to save myself. It was the part which read: "3 Ninjas High Noon at Mega Mountain." WOE! WOE UNTO ME!!!!

I'm a man with, admittedly, unusual and quirky tastes when it comes to film and film actors/actresses. I like a lot of character actors because they tend to get the most interesting variety of parts. I really loved Victor Wong's career. Memories of his performances in films like 'Tremors,' 'Prince of Darkness,' and especially 'Big Trouble in Little China' (with another favourite of mine, Al Leong -- the Wing Kong Hatchet Man!!! *LOL*) have put me on a quest to see as much of his work as possible.

A quest that died Saturday afternoon just past.

This deeply regrettable, dreckish, foul excuse of a film and the knowledge that Victor Wong appeared in three other incarnations of it is enough to sour even the strongest movie-goers stomach. Victor's appearance in this awful thing is mercifully concentrated in the opening of the film. It gives him no chance to show off any of his inimitable charm and Victor Wong looks like a tired old man weighed down by the two hardest words that any actor will ever have to listen to: Contractual obligation.

Music: insipid. Direction: insipid. Plot: insipid. Dialogue: insipid. Acting: hit and miss.

The kids all deserved better than to be stuck in this film. For fear that they will track me down and beat the heck out of me with their ninja skills, just let me say that they all gave academy award worthy performances. Exhibit A: the two younger brothers manage to keep a straight face and wait -- holding their fight stance -- for thirty seconds as the three bad guy adults struggle to get out of their costumes and dress up again so that the kids can yell "NINJAS!!!" I don't blame the kids for this despite the fact that they were as unwatchable as everything else here. This film will bore parents to death so unless you want orphans, avoid, avoid, AVOID!!!

Victor Wong (let me return to a bright light for a moment) died after this film. Jim Varney, who also appeared in this film, has also since died. You may draw your own conclusions.

Varney, in all fairness, is probably the best thing in this film. His performance takes him in a scene-stealing direction with a bad guy turn. Out-acting Loni Anderson, Hulk Hogan and all three ninjas, he easily comes across as a bully who is picking an acting fight with unarmed opponents ... I said I wasn't going to blame the kids... this wasn't their fault, this wasn't their fault ...

Final Verdict: (un)watchable... BEARABLE only for those who are die-hard Wong or Varney fans. Also bearable if one chants over and over again the words: "this too shall pass." All others should give a miss with extreme prejudice.

Every once in a while a film comes along that makes you glad to be alive. Cinema is a beautiful art form, and no cinema is more gorgeous than 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain. Epic on a grand scale, the cinematic majesty on display would make Kurosawa's corpse reanimate just so it could kill itself in shame at never meeting the grandeur of vision presented herein. I saw this movie and broke down in tears, as I knew my eyes had witnessed the most beautiful sight since Stallone and Carl Weathers flirting with each other on the beach in one of the Rocky films. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll curse yourself for thinking that the greatness of the previous 3 Ninjas movies could ever be topped.

Bravo. Bravo.