Greetings And Salutations, and welcome to my review of Runaway Nightmare; here's the breakdown of my ratings:

Story: 0.25 Direction: 1.25 Pace: 0.25 Acting: 0.50 Enjoyment: 0.50

TOTAL: 2.75 out of 10.00

Runaway Nightmare is precisely that. A nightmare that just won't stop. The writer, director, and star of this excruciatingly tedious shambles, Mike Cartel, is actually the best thing about the project. Evidently, Cartel knew what he was after; it's a shame he didn't dispense that information to the others.

The story has two Nevada Desert Worm Farmers espying a couple of dubious characters burying a wooden container in the desert. When their curiosity gets the better of them, they dig up the box and discover a naked lady inside - A still breathing, beautiful blonde lady. No sooner have the reluctant heroes taken her home than her compatriots arrive, locked and loaded, to take her back. However, since the two men have seen them, the women decide Ralph and Jason must return too and await Hesperia's decision on their futures. The lads begin deducing that the female of the species is crazier than the male as they drive to the lady's lair. What will happen to our dauntless duo? Will they escape, or will Heperia's sentence be fatal? Sounds good so far, doesn't it(?) And because I'd read the synopsis, I gave it a try. I will now tell you the story fails in many ways. For a start, the characters are ridiculous and lacking in personality. In most cases, they're less than one-dimensional. They're there; they walk and talk. However, you never connect or relate to them. Only Ralph appears to have a smidgeon more presence, but maybe that's because Cartel wrote him and Cartel played him. Talk about giving yourself the best parts and lines. Then there's the comedic element. You can see Cartel was attempting, but once again, most of the humour is pitiful, except for the lines Cartel gets, and then these are merely mildly funny, at their best. Next comes the thrills and spills of the action and espionage - well, no. Because of the horrendous characterisations, these segments appear lacklustre, dull and drawn out.

And they only get worse when Cartel plants his backside in the director's chair. The chief obstacle to the picture was the near non-existent timing. The tempo was so wearisome that it felt like all the comedy components had taken a nap, and the action sequences had gone into extra slo-mo. The monotonous pace made everything uninteresting. That was a shame as Cartel has a decent eye for composition, and there are some beautifully captured scenes and images - even the warehouse in the desert looks good. Sadly, a one-trick pony hardly ever wins the race, and most fail to place.

As for the cast - one word, three syllables - Hor-ren-dous. Even the ubiquitous Cartel adds to their awfulness. I would like to describe their performances as wooden. However, I have a two-by-four out in the shed that has given better performances - you should see his rendition of Withnail and I. And, I fully believe some of them were on day release from the local nut-house. Only Cartel and Seeska Vandenberg elevate themselves above the tree line, but it's never for too long. They quickly plummet back into the forest of atrocious acting.

This recommendation is easy - stay the hell away from Runaway Nightmare - Everyone - Yes! That means you too. I watched this film so you didn't have to.

Finally, the squirming worms have turned. That should give you enough time to check out my IMDb lists - Absolute Horror, The Game Is Afoot, and Just For Laughs to see where Runaway Nightmare crashed into my rankings - and to find a better worm with which to bait your hook.

Take Care & Stay Well.

Laidback Ralph (an amiable portrayal by writer/director Mike Cartel) and his bored buddy Jason (the equally engaging Al Valetta) are a couple of Death Valley worm farmers who are abducted by a group of sexy female gunrunners who not only make the hapless duo their sex slaves, but also force the pair to assist them with their bold plan to steal a suitcase full of plutonium from the mob.

Cartel relates the intriguing oddball premise at a hypnotically deliberate pace, makes fine use of the desolate desert locations, maintains a genuinely peculiar, yet still somehow strangely arresting tone throughout, and delivers plenty of wickedly funny moments of deliciously dry'n'deadpan dark humor throughout. Moreover, Cartel brings an uncompromisingly idiosyncratic sensibility to the quirky material that blends elements of action, horror, thriller, and comedy into a truly novel and unique mix that stubbornly refuses to ever follow an obvious standard formula in order to happily trek down its own distinctly eccentric (and endearing) path instead. Of course, the bevy of beautiful babes certainly doesn't hurt things in the least, with Cheryl Gamson as the spaced out Pepper in particular rating as an absolute hoot. The hopelessly stilted acting and the spare droning synthesizer score further enhance this honey's considerable flaky charm. A neat little curio.

Ralph (writer / director / star Mike Cartel) and Jason (Al Valletta) are two dopey worm farmers in Death Valley. One day they witness the burial of a young woman - who wasn't dead - and by rescuing her, they leave themselves vulnerable to the machinations of a female cult. The ladies in this cult are lovely and deadly, and their great plan - other than turning Ralph and Jason into sex slaves - is to pilfer a case of platinum from the Mafia.

"Runaway Nightmare" is not going to be for people who prefer lots of action and explosions every few minutes. It's a very sedately paced and quirky little oddity. Cartel is much more concerned with surrealism and nuance than in delivering anything resembling a conventional narrative. His film isn't altogether satisfying, and some people may find it tough to stick with. The acting is obviously going to be of the amateur variety, yet Cartel himself has an enjoyably deadpan manner and gets to utter some funny lines. He and Valletta do make for an amusing pair of buddies. Among our striking female antagonists are Seeska Vandenberg, and Cindy Donlan as the memorably named Hesperia.

On location shooting is a big plus; Cartel gives "Runaway Nightmare" some interesting atmosphere. Melding genres such as horror, crime, and exploitation, it's basically for the more adventuresome of lovers of cult and forgotten cinema. Some buffs might get a big kick out of the ending, which pays tribute to a particular film noir classic. Cartel maintains a very low key approach even in those sequences that would ordinarily be treated as major set pieces. This is also mildly titillating but never overtly trashy.

Six out of 10.