I'm no Satanist but I'm pretty sure of one thing - Satan loves the gays. What better way to bring sin into the world? They're so efficient at it! But, like all other religions, everyone has their own (mis)conception of whatever imaginary friend they worship. In the case of Simon's Satanic cult, they literally just change "God" to "Satan" and leave everything else as is. Thus, the gay is ironically evil. So is unchecked greed and power-grabbing. And gratuitous nudity. And even straight sex seems to be taboo.

Long story short, Satan is a prude and this movie, despite its inadvertent hilarity offers nothing more titilating than the lead actor's bare ass just before he's raped by some rednecks.

This film features two WTF? twists that come out of nowhere, so if you don't want to know them, don't read any further. Young Bobby is having a tough time at home thanks to his mean step-dad and sexually aggressive stepsister so he runs away. Of course, he gets tricked by a shady dude who invites his friends over to rape Bobby. They dump his body in a field by a Satanist compound. He is nursed back to health by lead witch Sherry but things get ugly when cult leader Simon returns and won't accept Bobby because he was raped by men! So Bobby - clad only in his underwear - escapes and returns home, only to kill his dad, kidnap his stepsister, and shoot the guys who took advantage of him. Then he returns to the compound with their heads (!) to show Simon he really does belong.

Well, how about that? This came highly recommended for its trash value and it definitely lived up to my expectations. What a bizarre little film. It is something that could only come out of the 1970s. The highlight acting wise is the guy who plays lead warlock Simon. He resembles Freddie Prinze, Sr. and actually does the sinister pinkie to the side of the mouth bit several times. His performance is so good that he naturally walked away from the biz after this one shot. The film has some great unintentional comedy bits, like when Bobby returns home after his escape covered in mud and only in his underwear. Filmed in Florida, so its got that going for it.

The budget for "Satan's Children" must have been about $72.99-- certainly no more. This is because the acting, direction and script are all bargain basement and nothing speaks of quality about the movie...nothing. Because of this, the only folks who might find it of interest are bad movie buffs--and that's what I am. While I don't want a steady stream of terrible films, every so often it's fun to watch an ultra-crappy movie just for a laugh.

The film stars a young man who is about as charismatic as a block of Velveta. When he argues with his stupid step-dad, he runs off--into the arms of some gay rapists! Then, he's rescued by a coven of Satan worshipers. You know, things keep going from bad to worse with this guy! How can it get worse? He will then be forced to watch a lot of amazingly bad actors (such as "Simon") and that seems like a fate worse than death!

I don't know who the audience was for this pile of crap, but according to IMDb it was made mostly by University of South Florida students in Tampa--the movie capital of the world. Why they made it, I have no idea. I hope it wasn't for a film class, as the film makes it seem like they learned absolutely nothing! It just doesn't get much worse than this!

If you in a mood to torment yourself, you can find this turkey on YouTube. Don't say I didn't warn you!!